Returning to Life

Sometimes it feels like nothing has happened over the last few weeks, but really everything has happened. On Monday I turned 32, I drove for the first time in two months, I went back to work and I had my first drink since surgery (naturally it was champagne, it was my birthday). I have more energy every day. I’m moving back upstairs. I haven’t had a mini meltdown in over a week. My life is by no means what it was, but it is more normal. I’m not sure it ever will be the same again. On Wednesday I had the best doctor appoint I’ve had in I don’t know how long. My blood counts are normal! Not on the very high end of normal, but normal. I am finally gaining weight which is not something I ever thought I would be excited about, but I am. I won’t get my first post surgical scans until 12 weeks so I get to go a whole month without going to see a doctor. I haven’t done that since any of this started. I am in a holding pattern once again, but it doesn’t seem as bad as some of the other ones. I have no idea what the scans will show. I don’t know what next steps will be, but I’m pretty sure I don’t have to do any more chemo.

Going back to work has been an adjustment. I got a little to used to doing nothing. It is really nice to use my mind and to be around people. I missed my coworkers. I went in four partial days and worked from home the best. Once I have the energy for full days at work I might balance full days at home and at work instead of having to drive in every day. It’s definitely going to be a figure it out as I got thing. Once again I’m incredibly grateful for such a great workplace and great coworkers.

This weekend two of my DC friends came to visit. One of them I had not seen in years. I will always be grateful for friendships where it doesn’t feel like time has passed. I was able to do somethings and sometimes we just sat around my house and watched mediocre movies.

One thing I never really talked about publicly was losing my hair. I didn’t lose any of my hair on the first chemo drug (the first 5 rounds), but with the second, strong drugs my hair began thinning. And for someone who has had thick curls her whole life this was something new and unexpected. For a long time I just ignored that I was shedding at an alarming rate. In early December I had a breakdown over my hair and went and met with the hair and wig specialist at the Cancer Center. By that time I had maybe a quarter of my hair left and I didn’t feel like me anymore. She helped me find something that felt like me. I know some people noticed. Some people may not have. Some just thought my hair was darker. Now that I am three months removed from chemo I have MY hair growing back. It is thick and I’m pretty sure there is curl or wave in it. I desperately want my long curls back, but that is going to take a long time and I have almost accepted this. I have stopped wearing the wig at home.  A few friends got to see me with it and without a hat, but I was still uncomfortable going out in public. My wonderful friends convinced me to go out as me this weekend and I realized I am more comfortable with my short hair than I am the wig. So this is me and someday I’ll have my long curls back.

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I’m home! For real this time.

I’ve been home for a week now. There is really nothing quite like home after being in the hospital for 5 weeks. I was initially told my stay would be 8-10 days. My first stay was 13. Then I was home 3 days and back in for a week and then home for less than 24 hours and back in for two weeks. To say I’m happy to be home would be an understatement. I have a bit more freedom. No one is waking me up several times a night. I have my kitties, who will not leave my side. It almost gets a bit suffocating at times.

I don’t know what I initially expected. I listened to the doctor, but this was so much worse. I keep having to remind myself that my body went through a 12 hour surgery and needs time to recover. I came home on IV antibiotics for whatever infection I managed to catch. It’s not so bad, but I can’t wait for it to be over. One of the meds I have to get three times a day.

I’m supposed to be in Italy right now showering my niece wp-1488726732795.jpgin love and spending time with my brother and sister-in-law, but that obviously couldn’t happen. The Delta app mocked me on Friday and kept reminding me to check in my for my cancelled flights. Thankfully I was smart enough to buy travel insurance when I bought this ticket way back in November. There’s really nothing more I want right now than a hug from my brother and I don’t know when I get to see him again. I don’t know when I can go visit. I don’t know when they might come back to Wisconsin.

On Saturday I went and got a pedicure with my mom and omg did it feel good to do something normal. Except as we were sitting there I was staring at my legs and starting lamenting all the muscle I have lost. I worked so hard to get strong in the year and half before all this started. I miss my strength. I miss being able to be self sufficient. I miss the old me.

I know I’m making progress, but it feels so slow. I want to be able to do more. At least I’m starting to notice improvements without my parents having to point them out. On that note, my parents have been nothing short of amazing. They basically put their lives on hold and have been there every step and misstep I’ve made. I will never be able to thank them enough for that.

All in all, I think I’m doing pretty well right now. I am walking more and it’s not quite as difficult. I am socializing again and that is wonderful. I’m up for visitors. As long as everything stays on track I’m taking a little getaway to warm weather before I go back to work thanks to Southwest points and family that lives in a warmer climate.