Living my life

20170521_162454On Monday I was sore from yard work. That has to be one of the most normal things I’ve said in months. I mowed my own lawn. I planted flowers. I cleaned my house. I did laundry. All on my own. This is a big step. I still had to sit down and rest a few times. And watch an episode of Billions. But I was able to do all of that.

On Saturday, May 20, four months since surgery, I ran for the very first time. It wasn’t much and it wasn’t far, but I ran. It felt weird at first but my body has not forgotten how to run! And that is amazing to me. A few weeks ago I went to Door County with my friends for the Door County Half Marathon, which is an awesome race, that I did not run this year. I only teared up a little driving into the park and then enjoyed my day. I did decide I will be there in 2018. I will run those beautiful hills. If I ever stop running it needs to be on my terms. It can’t be like this. I wasn’t done. I know I can run a faster half marathon. But it’s baby steps right now. My goal is to do a 5k by the end of the summer. I know I can walk it already so I just have to see how much I can run.

I can do so much more than even a month ago. I’m at work full time now. I am not physically and mentally exhausted on a daily basis anymore. I have good days and bad days. Sometimes I still feel awful enough I need to go home and rest, but that doesn’t happen often.

I’m starting to feel like this is my body again. For a long time it didn’t even seem real, that this was happening to me, to my body. And then it wasn’t my body for so long. It was a weak, sick body. I am now waking up muscles and starting to really use them again. I finally believe that I will get my strength back. It’s going to take time, but I believe it possible.

I’m trying really hard to not think about my cancer diagnosis all the time and it’s getting easier day by day, but I can’t forget it and I can act like it didn’t happen because it did. I think about things differently now because there is now way not to. I have more good days than bad days and intend to keep it that way.

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