Trust in my body. Trust in my body’s ability to do all kinds of things. This has really been one of the hardest things for me and I think I finally figured it out. I was in one of my favorite yoga classes on Sunday and our instructor told us to choose an intention as she always does. I often choose focus as I tend to have trouble not letting my mind wander during class. On Sunday I chose trust, as in trusting my body. I realized this was holding me back in a lot of aspects: running, yoga, strength work. In two classes of using trust as my intention I have been able to do more and have pushed myself more. I’m sure some of you might roll your eyes at this and that is fine. I used to roll my eyes at yoga too. But then I found Healium Hot Yoga and I never looked back. Awesome studio, awesome instructors, awesome owner. (And no, I’m not getting anything out of posting this.)
My intention of trust and trusting my body goes so far beyond yoga. My body betrayed me. My body betrayed me in such a drastic manner. I was sitting at lunch this past Monday catching up with someone who is now going through cancer treatment and I can’t believe the things that you normalize when talking with someone else who has gone through it: laughing about how awful and itchy wigs are, comparing notes on low white blood counts, laughing about chemo brain. It was strangely cathartic. After lunch a third person said something to me that made me think. She said I never asked why me or at least never did out loud. I guess I didn’t. I didn’t see a reason. That wasn’t going to help anything. The best guess on all of this was a random mutation of my DNA. Aka, my body betrayed me. I do think I stopped trusting my body. I believed in its ability to fight. And fight it did, but these were different things.
I did get back to running last fall and ran a few 5ks, but something in me kept me from really building back up and I didn’t know what it was. I now really think I just didn’t trust my body. I had all kinds of fears that something was going to happen. That all this progress might be for nothing. My body that has carried me through something like 20 half marathons and thousands of miles. My body has fought and beat cancer. I somewhat secretly registered for the Door County Half Marathon in May. I say somewhat as I have been slowly telling people this. I’m finally believing and trusting that I can do this.
One more thing that has really impacted me more than I realized is Gabriele “Gabe” Grunewald, #BraveLikeGabe. If you don’t know who she is, read this piece that Brooks Running posted: Pro runner. Cancer patient. Relentless optimist. Short version: she is a pro-runner fighting a rare cancer. I found out about her sometime in the last year and have been following her all over social media ever since. In addition, she is unbelievably nice. She has responded to me on twitter and instagram in the sweetest ways.
I finally trust my body again and that feels good.